HyooBee Thoughts

The Promise by Hubert

Politics of pleasure proceed to pulse
Through vindication of virility through my veins
How fortunate death deprives depression
And folds to the fall of fear.
Life is too little to long without Love.
Tomorrow can't be promised to progeny or party.
So I shall say sentiments I need to say
Without reservation, reluctance or remorse.
Impulse is inherently indifferent to individuals
My enlightenment by everyone evokes me to express...


I CAN "FEEL" AGAIN!!!
I AM "ALIVE"!!!

******************

Don't be surprised if I say something to you from out of left field. And don't worry. I'm not going to kill myself or anything. My lease on life Cannot be Determined at this time; however, I shall promise to fulfill my contractual deliverables to be best of my ability before my term expires. CAN SOMEONE HELP ME GET THIS NOTARIZED?!!!

Reunions Reunions

As I was pulling into Tim's Memorial, I was talking to my friend Christy, and I realized I'll be having two reunions today with both events being coworkers who've become close friends and loved ones. I don't think I've ever hugged and kissed more people in one day than yesterday. With each meeting I've been greeted with the warmest hug and an "I'm glad you came!" It moved me and made me feel my presence in their life was as loved and appreciated as Tim's. Although, all those who knew Tim, his presence was unrivaled. Although, these reunions have been tainted with mixed emotion, it was humbling to meet them again after all this time.

I was happy to see everyone at the Memorial after an entire year, yet I also felt selfish, helpless, regret and disgust. I felt selfish for leaving everyone at what's formerly known as West One during the time I did. I feel like I abandoned all of them, but I had such a great opportunity. It turns out the opportunity wasn't what I'd hoped. I also felt helpless that I couldn't do anything about the damage the CFO (my supervisor) was doing. Let's just say I was forced to hush due to politics. Gotta love enterprise business. Sure, I could play hardball with C-Level Types, but the question was "Could I handle additional stress than I have now?", at the time. You can say I took the easy way out. Who can blame me? eh? I was already on the verge of another nervous breakdown. Those who knew me back then know. Seeing everyone talking about losing their jobs and merging with KeyPoint made me wish I could've done something and people would still have their jobs. Comment-dis�z? What's done is done. I also felt disgusted that certain individuals I used to work with had the nerve to say things like "I didn't know he was doing things like that" or "I only worked on this... I don't know anything about that...". I was not alone on that one. Thanks Christina! Anyone that knew how to do their job knew he was swindling millions. Creative Accounting? Ba humbug! That's flat out stealing! Now, an institution that has been alive and well for 50 years has plummeted in the time of 2. *shrugs* Well, at least I got some contacts. I can't wait to call them back and say what I really wanted to say. LOL Aside from all that, I pray for Linda and Amanda that we will not lose either of them sometime soon considering their loss of Dale and now Tim. It must be hard. I had a lot more to pray about during Communion today.

In my 2nd reunion, I met up with Christy and Omid at Omid's house. I haven't seen those two since we were all Framing a decade ago. I was thinking of going to Havana, but later settled on Pyramid. I think we got there at around 20:15. We've spent one of the quickest 4 hours I have ever experienced in my life. I had a lot to catch up on, and that 4 hours wasn't nearly enough. I'll have to follow up with them later. Talking with them made me realize what the hell I've been doing in the past decade. Sure, I made a name for myself. Sure, I made a lot of money, but literally sacrificed my soul for it. I ended up becoming that honing, lifeless drone I swore I would never become, and it made me wonder. How the fuck did I get here?! We talked about Art (a life I once had long ago), and throughout the conversations, I missed it even more. Christy and I was happy to inspire Omid. I was inspired myself. All that made me want to change my direction in life. Maybe it's about time.

These recent experiences have made me re-evaulate life, what it means, and what it means to me. They made me think how precious every moment and relationship we share with a person is, and we don't take enough time in our busy days to tell them how we really feel about them or spend time with them. "Live each day..." right? It's kinda hard when you're working to live, but what's life when you don't live it? Sure, you might be financially ready when you die, but it doesn't directly correlate to kind of person you are, ever wanted to be or ever wanted to be remembered. These past few years... SHIT! THIS YEAR ALONE! ... there have been too many deaths. I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE THIS EARTH WITHOUT FULLFILLING MY MISSION OF LOVE TO EACH AND EVERYONE I KNOW!!!

Rings in the Circus of Life

I wear a mask with the role of a clown that disguises the sadness in my soul; however, when I lie within my ring of friends I find comfort, peace, warmth and laughter. As each ring is filled by a performer it contributes a different force that drives me. And as each stage is focused, I'm enlightened by their amazing acts to where I gasp in awe. Whether the acts are old or new, the show carries me on like a magician who levitates my spirit. Every performer plays their part for all to witness their influence on me. Every ring is a factor of gestalt that builds my whole to make the entire show a success.

Not a single form of etymology can describe the feeling I have been blessed with by the support of recent and old friendships. From which I've been salvaged from the deluge of depression which I have foresaken.

I would just like to say to all who have been supporting me through my trying times that I appreciate the love and care you've given me. I swear on my life, your efforts will not be in vain. For so much of my life I have selflessly given, and have never redeemed (You all know me by now), I'm solemnly touched by the love I have received today.

For that I bid you my sincerest...

THANK YOU!!!

Snype Hearting

Why do we seek what we cannot find?
When we think we have it, we are blind.
My faith in it leaves my life to hinder.
It has burned my heart into cinders.

We focus our energy on what's not there.
It looks not for me, so why should I care?
It searches for those loving and kind.
Yet, still it pushes them out of our mind.

It has the power to take over our lives.
It takes all your strength to leave it behind.
Like an angel it saves you from the storm,
It's a demon with no weight, shape or form.

I always ask myself "Why do I persist?",
For what I search for does not exist.

What Matters to my Matter

Just when I thought "No one would notice if I simply disappeared", my faith has been restored a couple times over. It's amazing how our habits and repeated interactions with people can make such a difference.

Mariela at Misaki said "Where have you been? I missed you." I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. I usually only go once a week for lunch. It's not 'cause the women are cute either. ~_^ I know I'll miss Chada 'cause I found out she quit today. Anywho, I can't believe she actually noticed I haven't been there in a while. It didn't stop there though.

A woman at the grocery store gestured me to come over and said "How could you try to leave without saying something... You make my day!" I really never thought my hunger never really mattered that much to someone. I see her 4 to 5 times a week when I go to fulfill my cravings for dinner. I guess now I just can't go to the store to buy food. It's a social experience. With a city/town as small as mine I've grown up in the past 19 years, it's always been.

This feels great! Now, being sick, lethargic, busy, stressed and depressed doesn't seem so bad.

Now I know why I've been feeling so shitty

I just got back from the Dr.. He says I have walking pneumonia. Fucking great! OK peeps. Sorry for bailing this weekend. I'll be down for a while. At least you know where to find me. I'll be at home working on my other contracts and try to rebuild my web server 'cause it got hacked. That's what I get for using IIS. I know I know... I know better.

OH YEAH! Happy Birthday Sara Brown! I would go out to 415 and have some sushi with you in the city, but you know. Damn! No birthday wedgie this time. You know I love you!

Happy Birthday Sonia!!! Sorry, I can't make it to the Park tonight. We'll just have to have a mini-celebration some other time. Maybe we'll do it with Kermz 'cause I still owe her one at Haight anyways.

What Hurts the Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Ho hum...

"Honey I'm home!!!" I cry.
As I enter the Atrium of an empty heart.

The walls echo silence in mine.
Pain fills the gaps of being apart.

Sadness pumps through my veins.
All that remains is disdain.

Reality saves me once again and reminds me of the things I need to do. Thank God for sanity.

Constant Reminders of Life

They tell you a lot about yourself and put things into perspective on how things mean to your life. When you think about it, nothing you do in life doesn't mean shit if you haven't lived. You buy a car, a house, put a lot in your savings account to find that you can leave this entity you call yourself at any given moment. Not to mention, the trivial experiences that we all share with the people we love we take for granted. We do these things because we want to spend the time with them and care for them without thinking the value that it has in our lives and to others. Life doesn't mean shit if you don't have anyone to share it with... right? Humans are social by nature. Here I am worrying about relationships when I should just be happy to be alive. I realized this today at my Uncle Michael's funeral this morning. He had such a joyful spirit, and was the last person that deserved to die. Maybe he did. No angel on earth deserves the torment this world dishes out. I guess that's why I try to remain joyful and humble. Someone said something about him today that made me realize something about myself that I will feel confident I will take with me to the grave. He said "... Michael is the only friend I've known that I've never seen mad." I'm sure all my friends would say that at my funeral too. I guess that's why so many people went to his funeral today. There were so many people there I thought it was a full blown mass. I loved this man, but didn't know to what extent people loved him. When my ashes settle that's how I want to be remembered as well. I guess that's why I try to remain a divine soul as much as I can. It's already part of my nature, but there will always be people out there to test me.

This experience has also reminded me how valuable family is to me and why I sacrifice so much of myself for it. My mom said gave me the whole "When are you going to get married and have a family?" thing again. I told her "It's not like I'm not trying..." thing again too. It came about when we realized Michael didn't have a lot of time with his wife and son. Eric is only 7 years young. Suffice to say, my mother reminded me I have to create a family to love of my own so I can experience more of what life has to offer. Not something borrowed like what I have with Nate. I want to be able to watch my children grow and get married before anything happens to me. He only died at 50. I think if that was going to happen to me then I only have 18 years to build something meaningful. That's not a lot of time when you think the years go by faster as you get older.

As each person leaves my life, they remind me of how I should be living mine. Believe me. I have a lot of reminders despite my young age. Thanks Grandma Agra for reminding me to slow down and simplify. My life is a lot less hectic now. I have a lot less money, but whatever I do is a lot more fulfilling. I guess I had to experience it firsthand to figure it out. In the meantime, I will persist as Michael did. I will continue to offer my love selflessly to infect this world with joy whether they deserve it or not.

Thank you God for my life. Thank you for my wonderful family. Thank you for the friends that only come around when they need something. Lord grant everyone the love, happiness and fortune they deserve because if they're not happy, neither am I.

Sing and dance with the Angels Uncle Michael. That's where you belong. I will see you again one day.

I will leave you with a poem someone gave me the last time someone left my life. I'm going to have a reality check now. Until then, take care and know I love you even if I don't say it.

**********************************
Safely Home

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is ove,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! but Jesus' love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.

And He came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus' arm to lean on,
Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still:
Try to look beyond earth's shadows,
Pray to trust our Father's Will.

There is work still waiting for you,
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now, while life remaineth -
You shall rest in Jesus' land.

When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you Home;
Oh, the rapture of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come!

If you thought you saw me...

... driving around in a Stockton Police Cruiser yesterday. You weren't imagining. I really was. I was testing a new wirless system for downtown. It's odd when everyone gives you the right of way and doesn't cut you off all the time. I wanna buy a Crown Vic now... Naw... it's OK.

And no... I didn't turn on the siren. LOL